oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
