There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
