I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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