Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
