the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
