Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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