we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
