I'm going to jail i love you
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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