"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
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In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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