im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
