just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
