And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
