Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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