you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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