3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Your shirt... Was in my pants
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
