it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
