I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
