woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
