look no pants
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
