I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
