I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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