Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
