so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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