ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Houston, we have a squirter
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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