I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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