as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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