maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
