I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
