Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
