my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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