Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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