He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.