i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
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Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
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But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records