Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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