I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
