I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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