Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
