best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
