Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
