I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
