Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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