College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this beer tastes like vomit already
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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