tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
