I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
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I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
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She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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