Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
