Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
