Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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