I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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