3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
