I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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