woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
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Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
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If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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