I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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