guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
