I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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