i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
