yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
