somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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